previous // March 21, 2005
// 5:59 a.m. // next
Since D-land's servers decided to take an extended vacation, I've been forced to write this entry 1) on a Sunday ::gasp::, and 2) in Notepad. I know, I know, I'm depressed too.
I think the best way to approach how my week has been is to give you snippets from my reflective journal. Any names have been changed to protect the (supposedly) innocent. It's very raw, very real, and I haven't held back one iota in it. I'm going back to last Friday (the 11th) for full effect. And because last Friday I crapped out on the entry here. Anyway, enough build up.
Friday, March 11:
"I can’t stand how miserable I feel every time I leave this school. I was so upbeat at the beginning of the week and now I just want to crawl in a hole and never return. Everybody I’ve talked to tells me things will be diffrerent when I get my own room. if I ever get that far... Today was an exercise in patience and control. And somehow I ended up losing chunks of both. For the first time, I kicked a student out of class. ::student:: has been doing little things that have been relatively easy to ignore, but the last three day have built up into the straw the broke the proverbial camel’s back. The two days we were in the library, he would fiddle with the text reader on the computer. Then today his little disruptions led to paper throwing and I just couldn’t take it any longer. I snapped. I sent him to 111. You’d think that would have sent the message to the rest of the little weasels to knock off the bullshit, and they did… for 30 seconds. The citation activity shouldn’t have taken more than 10 minutes. It took almost the whole period. I’ll be so glad when this placement is over. One thing that irked me more than period 11 was my meeting about my observation. I had a student in the classroom making up work and all of my short comings were aired out in front of him. It’s bad enough that I constantly have to chase this child for work, and now he hears how little control I have? That was very unprofessional, in my opinion. Now that I’ve been discredited in front of this student, why should he bother observing the deadlines I set? Why should he do any work for me at all now? Thanks, appreciate all the votes of confidence."
Monday, March 14:
"In late summer and eary fall, as I’d be making trips to and from visits to MB, I’d listen to whatever radio station happened to come in reasonably clear (the mountains are working against me to squash my music-listening habit). Inevitably, I’d end up singing along (off key; I’m horribly out of practice) to a song by Simple Plan called “Welcome to My Life”. At the time I thought it was mildly amusing that I identify with a song aimed at teenagers, but when you (still) live at home with your parents and aim to work with the 7-12 crowd, teenage angst isn’t far behind. Little did I know it would become oh-so appropriate during my first placement... “Do you ever feel like breaking down?” Unfortunately, this sentiment comes up far too often. I love what I do and at times I feel like I’m a trainwreck when the logical part of me knows that’s just not true. This definitely wasn’t the case today. While I did have to get after period 11 about the noise, I felt that today was one of my better days. The confidence that’s been disappearing faster than a set of rims at a Puff Daddy concert showed up briefly today and I welcomed it back with open arms... “Everybody always gave you what you wanted/Never had to work it was always there.” This is an unfortunate side effect of doing well in the methods classes. I’m sure I haven’t written about this yet, but I was accepted into the International Honors Scoiety for Educators. That’s a pretty big deal in my little world. I missed honor’s society in high school by 15 or so points. I missed Dean’s list as an undergrad a couple times by a tenth of a point or one credit hour. I didn’t know about Kappa Delta Pi until I received my notice in the mail. I suppose there’s something to be said for having a 3.8 GPA... “To be hurt/To feel lost/To be left out in the dark/To be kicked when you're down/To feel like you've been pushed around/To be on the edge of breaking down/And no one's there to save you/No you don't know what it's like/Welcome to my life.” But on the bright side, I really did think today went very well and I definitely felt better than I have in quite some time. I’m very proud of period 4. They really gave a shot at the group activity I planned for today and while there was some confusion as to how to use the discussion cards, this was also my first time using them, so it was a learning experience for all of us. I actually left school today feeling on top of my game, like this is the way I should be feeling. I had been chomping at the bit to get to this point of my education, I shouldn’t be going home and wanting to throw it all away because I’m frustrated and getting a dose of reality. I need to remember to hold on to that feeling I had this summer. I know that girl is in me somewhere, I just need to hug her and remind her that this is a learning experience and try to take as much as I can from it so that I can become the best teacher I can be... I just can’t help feeling occasionally that the chorus to this Simple Plan song (see the quote in the last paragraph) has become the theme to this placement. Perhaps today’s theme should be “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves."
Thursday, March 17:
"My English I youngins – bless ‘em – have done some right awesome projects! The first round of presentations was today and I have to sat that I’ve very proud of what I’ve seen. I gave them their challenge – research a given topic on the Holocaust and create a project from the choices given that reflects the research – and they met it with great results. I have some really talented students and am happy to see their strengths shining through. I feel like a proud mama; I want to show off their work to anyone who will listen."
***
Meanwhile, my poor car is (finally!) getting some overdue attention. Back around Christmas, the E brake light came on again and the ABS/TRAC lights come on every now and then. Daddy called his car guy up and he's going to look at it. They think the reason for the ABS/TRAC lights is due to a bearing in the right front. So I'm effectively stuck at home, unless I want to take the Great Green Grocery Packer (better known as the Montana). I'll do whatever I have to if it means my baby is fixed.
Unrelated sidebar: I hate this layout. Anyone willing to redo it for me is more than welcome.
And now, back to being an English teacher.
Eagerly awaiting the Golden Corral 500 from Atlanta,
Thanks for reading,
Ter
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