previous // December 19, 2003
// 12:08 a.m. // next
I know my mother means well, but right now her brand of "help" and "motivation" makes me want to hit her. She wants me to go talk to my advisor about figuring out replacement classes for Renaissance and Shakespeare. I know I need to do it since it's likely I could be closed out of them by now, and the sooner I can get this all taken care of, the better.
But I'm tired. I have been nuts for 3 weeks and running. Between stuff with TL and TF (and now TF's daughter) and stressing about my UDL project and trying to get all the other shit I've had to do done, I just can't take anything else. I'm done, finito, end scene, thank you New York, good-night! I just want to feel normal again. I want my biggest worry to be what's happening next on Guiding Light. I don't want to feel like crying all the time. I want to feel okay again. I haven't been okay in a real long time.
I'm an insomniac again. I either eat too much or don't want to. I sleep during the day since I'm staring at my ceiling until the wee hours. It's a week until Christmas and usually by now I'm in the spirit. This year, I could really give a flying rat's ass.
I told mom tonight that I'll deal with school after the holidays, that the Alma Mater will still be there when Christmas and New Years is done. You'd have thought I suggested I scoop her eyes out with a spoon. I don't think she realizes how badly everything's affected me lately. She hints that she knows, but she has no idea. She thinks all I do is sit here and play solitaire all day and all night and that I'm relaxed enough and that I should have the want to fix everything. She's also on me about calling schools so that I can sign up to substitute next semester. Right now, I just want to say, "fuck it" and throw it all away. The MST program means a lot to me, it will give me a future that my goofy little B.A. never can. But I don't want it if it means I have to jump through hoops all the time and chase around and feel like crying every time I think of school. Substituting next semester is the last of my worries right now.
Since I found out I was being written up for plaigarism, I've been waffling about leaving school. I don't need this stress. Daddy keeps telling me I shouldn't let stuff get to me, but that's just the way I am. I can't help it. Grades come out on the 24th (Merry Christmas, indeed), so I'm giving myself until then to make a decision. Really, it all depends on how I did this semester. Maybe a decent GPA will be all I need to inspire me to keep going with the MST program.
I'll be back later today with another update. It'll be more uplifting than this one. Shoot, a dirty shoelace is more uplifting than this.
A very low,
Thanks for reading,
Ter
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